Kindness....to yourself, and then to others

I am approaching the final birthday of one decade before moving into the next, and I arrive here with mixed feelings.

Some days, I wonder how on earth I got here. How did I manage to become this old when, in my head, I am usually somewhere between 33 and 36? I don’t know why I have settled on those particular ages, but apparently my internal clock has.

I still see myself as working towards something: striving, learning, growing up and trying to “get there”. I often don’t feel as though I have arrived.

On other days, I look at my teenagers and remind myself that I am the responsible adult in the room. I am the one who sets the boundaries and helps these amazing girls move towards adulthood with confidence, rather than simply waiting for it to arrive.

I am at a stage in life where I have never felt more confused, yet I have also never been more certain about what I want.

I am perimenopausal, but for me it isn’t simply about the list of symptoms that news articles like to shove down our throats. No, it isn’t all about HRT and hot flushes.

I don’t actually have hot flushes, thank goodness, but I do have a body and mind that I no longer entirely trust or understand. My hormones can fluctuate several times a day between exhaustion, mental fog, fear, anxiety, energy, joy, frustration, silliness and a complete lack of filter.

There is also the constant pleasure of looking forward to bedtime, a good book and the sound of the spaniels snoring. Frankly, that is often the highlight of the day.

Strangely, this stage of life, and the realisation that I am now middle-aged, has brought me a sense of calm among all the change. I have a growing desire to do what I genuinely want to do and to believe that perhaps I have arrived after all. Arriving doesn’t mean standing still; I still learn, grow and change.

My perimenopause journey has been challenging. Even five years into it, the hormone fluctuations still hit me over the head every few months, presumably just to check that I am paying attention.

As I reflect on my approaching birthday and this stage of my life, these are the lessons I am taking with me.

1. Stop fighting it

This is biological. It is happening whether I approve of it or not, so acceptance is far less exhausting than fighting it.

Acceptance doesn’t mean giving in. It means finding ways to work with this stage of life and making the most of myself within it. A useful lesson to take into business, work with what you have rather than fighting to keep the old that no longer works.

2. Choose action over fear

I was terrified when the changes first started happening.

My father has dementia, so when the brain fog arrived, I naturally convinced myself that I was developing early-onset dementia too.

My GP was amazing. I went to her and explained that I didn’t think I could start a new job I had been really excited about because I couldn’t remember names; people, systems or sometimes seemingly anything useful. How on earth was I supposed to do the job?

We made a plan, acted on it and, six weeks later, I started the job.

For me, the brain fog has been one of the most frightening parts of perimenopause. The changes in my brain have made me feel stupid, incompetent and, at times, like a fraud.

If you think female hormones are only concerned with the reproductive system, think again. They affect the whole body and seem capable of producing a new surprise every month.

How thoughtful of them.

3. Use the change rather than letting it hinder me

This took me a while. First, I had to let go of the feeling that something was being “done” to me and accept that the change was happening regardless.

Then I began asking a different question: how could I use my existing skills—and this enormous personal change—to my advantage?

One answer has been humour.

Talking honestly about the things that worry us, shape our emotions and influence our habits can make them feel less frightening. Rather than feeling ashamed about what seemed like my impending decline, I decided to carry on doing what I am good at while being more open about what was happening.

If you have been in a meeting with me during the past few years, you may have heard me say:

“Hang on, I’ve lost that thought. Great menopause moment happening right here.”

I couldn’t disguise the fact that an entire train of thought had escaped from my head, or that I had forgotten the name of someone I had met 100 times. So I told the truth.

By doing that, and laughing at myself, I gave other people permission to feel comfortable talking about these things too. It has broken down barriers, created connection and, hopefully, helped a few people understand just how discombobulating it can be to lose your entire train of thought halfway through a sentence.

Learning to be kind to myself

Ultimately, all of this comes down to learning how to be kind to myself during a period when the body and mind I thought I could trust seemed to melt away and change into something I no longer understood.

It was time to sink or swim, and swimming required self-compassion.

There are days when the hormonal headaches are intolerable. On those days, I don’t schedule seven meetings; I work at a slower pace.

There are days when the fatigue feels unbearably heavy. On those days, I might have an extra coffee and drink plenty of water so I can keep going, but I also stop when it becomes too much.

Then there are days when my energy is high. Those are the days when I tackle the heavy cognitive load and prepare for the days when my brain is less forthcoming.

I have learnt to flex my expectations around what is happening to me.

In all honesty, this is not easy. As someone who has powered through things for most of her life, adapting to a different way of work is uneasy territory.

But I have noticed that I still get done what I need and want to get done. I save my energy for the moments that matter, rather than wasting it on endless loops of anxiety that help nobody and importantly I am learning to trust myself again.

Most importantly, I try to listen to what I need each day by asking myself one simple question:

“What do I need today?”

Transformation; personal and professional

This year, I have made decisions about my career that feel completely right.

I have chosen a path in transformation consultancy, where the work ebbs and flows and I have more control over the when and the how. It also gives me a huge variety of work, which I find stimulating and invigorating.

Alongside that, I have started training for a new career in psychotherapy. I am still learning, but I already carry those lessons into my existing work.

This path allows me to work with people who want to change and organisations that want to become something different. It brings personal transformation and business transformation together; and it is fascinating how closely connected those two things are.

The biggest lesson the past few years have taught me is that I must be kind to myself.

I am the only person who can offer myself that kindness all of the time. Within it, I can find the compassion, trust and acceptance I need to work out what I want from this stage of my life.

I want purpose, because I love meaningful work.

I want to earn money, because apparently I am not allowed to live for free.

I want to choose who I work with, because the right people energise and stimulate me.

I want to keep pushing my boundaries, even when doing so scares and excites me in equal measure.

And I want to create a life in which I can continue doing something meaningful until the day arrives when all I want to do is foster spaniels, walk them and have cake and coffee every morning.

Although, if I’m honest coffee and cake already sounds quite appealing.